People who talk to me on walks, toddler barbarians, eyewear

1. This week, while walking Hank, a man stopped me to say that Hank should grow some legs. Who says that? I gave him a dirty look and rolled my eyes while he laughed at his own joke. I SAID GOOD DAY SIR. 

2. Another man approached me and asked if he could "join my cute dog and I for a walk one night." I said no. OBVIOUSLY. He was like, "Why? He seems friendly!" I said that Hank doesn't really dig dudes and neither did I. Finally I just walked away. 

3. In my final "Charming Stories About Men While I Walk My Dog" tale, a man was sitting on some stairs and decided to follow us. I have watched all the Law and Order: SVU in the world and immediately stopped, got out my pepper spray, and waited for him to pass. I definitely didn't stop Hank from barking but this idiot continued to pause every 10 feet and wait. Finally, I employed my favorite tactic and fake called a fake man to come meet me to buy some things at the corner store until this dude left. I don't know what he was going for there, but it freaked me right out. 

4. In short, men, please be better. As a woman walking her dog alone, I like listening to a podcast and watching my dog's curly tail. I don't want to talk to you or be your friend or hear your voice even. Just leave me be. And also, stay out of my space. Sure, you may be harmless but I feel immediately on edge. It's sad that I have to feel that way but I'm pretty sure history shows I am not incorrect in feeling nervous. 

5. This week, my mom, grandmother, and I took my nephew to this little gym to play. This may have been the cutest thing I have ever seen, ever. That said, there was a weird Toddler Lord Of The Flies moment when suddenly two garbage bags of balloons were emptied and then each toddler was given half a pool noodle with which to hit the balloons. I'll let you guess what they did instead. My sweet grandmother leaned over at one point and said, "Doesn't this seem a little barbaric?" I was too busy being whacked with pool noodles to respond.

6. Do you ever want to yell at people to clean their houses when you see them on social media? I am very much a Reformed Slob. I was not a particularly tidy child and have had moments of messiness as an adult but for the most part, my house is clean and I want to make a PSA to all the people I follow online whose houses hurt my feelings and give them my best cleaning tips which are as follows: 1. Throw away half your crap. Then throw away half more. 2. Clean up everything as you go -- do dishes, put away activities, tidy up. 3. Make your bed! It gets you in the right mindframe. 4. Buy a robot vacuum because nothing forces you to clean up your stuff like having to remove a dirty sock from the jaws of your Roomba. It's a win-win! Your floors get cleaned and you're forced to get your stuff off the ground! 5. Make it easy: Clorox wipes in the bathroom, a toilet brush in close proximity! It makes everything easier. ALSO JUST CLEAN YOUR HOUSE. 

7. I am certainly not a fashion icon but I just sometimes want to ask people why they buy those glasses with clear frames. I don't get it. They are not quite as bad as transitions lenses which just kind of horrify me in every way but still. In terms of transitions, I feel like they never quite...transition, as were. Like I can't fully see your eyes even if we are inside if there is light, and your sunglasses never seem quite dark enough to accomplish their goal. I just have a lot of opinions about eyewear apparently.

8. Also, just a reminder that having jaunty, huge, brightly colored glasses frames is not the same as having a personality. I've met so many people whose personality I would just describe as "wears glasses." NO. 

9. Despite my earlier complaints, this week was actually pretty dang lovely! I had a lot of coffee dates with friends. I ate at my favorite restaurant. I visited my friend Tracy. I got a lovely package in the mail. I had breakfast with my parents. I took a calligraphy class with my sister in law. I get to go see Hall and Oates tonight! I slept well! I discovered two delicious new recipes! 

10. I guess what I am saying is that despite the number of weird men who insist on bothering me, as well as the existence of transitions lenses, it was a good week and I am happy right now in this life and that feels really, really good.