THIS HEAT, my insane concern about my pet's Instagram account, dog culture, the grocery store AND MORE!

I have been sitting at this laptop trying to come up with something to write about, some lesson I have learned or something to share, and honestly nothing has come to mind for days. I am convinced that it's the heat. As a teacher, I am contractually obligated to love summer, and I DO, but I am so tired of sweating. Anyway, here are a few things that have been going down in my world. 

1. I hung out with a new friend this weekend. Is there anything more agonizing than a new friend hang out? My best friend once said that any time you're hanging out with someone new, dating or friending or otherwise, they don't meet you, they meet your representative and I've never heard anything more true. Anyway, as we were casually discussing things we sort of have in common, she made a joke, and in true Amy form, I decided to jump on said joke with my own (FUNNIER) joke that I decided to laugh maniacally at because in my mind, I am so funny it's unreal.

Unfortunately, I had a bite of taco in my mouth and it went fully down the wrong pipe, scratching my throat and burning me and making things terrible. I nearly coughed to death for a full minute: eyes bulging, tears streaming, choking. This poor normal human being had to watch as this girl she barely knows nearly dies in front of her, all because she had to make and laugh at her own joke. 

2. I recently got a dog. My neighbor needed a home for her dog, and he and I had already fallen in love and I'd dog sat him a bunch and he is just the best ever. But what I didn't realize was that I was going to be filled with concern about my cat feeling neglected and making sure they both feel loved. I started an Instagram for them because I am a true monster at heart and found myself alternating photos of them because I DO NOT WANT EITHER ONE TO FEEL LEFT OUT. I found myself considering this and then seriously had to stop and ask myself if my animals WHO WILL NEVER SEE INSTAGRAM would get their feelings hurt.

Also, I've been a dedicated Cat Lady for so long that I feel like it's hurting my brand. I love cats. I have cat pillows and cat everything. I love them. But now I am also in love with a dog? Dog culture is really annoying but it's also really easy to get sucked into the dog park and doggy playdates and all these things that cats have absolutely no time for. And I sort of love it? Dogs are fun! I don't have to worry if he likes what I am doing because HE LIKES EVERYTHING. I get more affection and attention from this dog in one hour than I've gotten in my cat's entire life. And yet, I feel like I am losing or compromising some key part of my personality because I suddenly love both cats and a dog and I WILL NOT BE MADE TO CHOOSE.  

I really need to get a grip on life is what I am saying. 

3. The best part about having a dog so far is that it forces me to be active every day. Like no, I will not drag myself off my couch to walk four miles a day for my own health but dang it my dog needs to poop so every day, twice a day, I set off on a long walk. Seriously, America's obesity crisis could be solved with some dogs and some FitBits because an animal plus gold stars are where it's at. 

One thing I've noticed is how bad the world is at navigating sidewalks. First of all, it's not called a sidebike, so if you're one of those jerks who acts inconvenienced by me WALKING while you ride your bike on the sidewalk, I hate you. Secondly, I run into people walking with friends all the time, which is sweet and great and fun, I'm sure. But last I checked, the polite thing to do when someone is coming down the sidewalk and you and your pal are taking up the entire thing is to walk single file for the three seconds it takes for us to pass.

As it turns out, apparently I am the jerk for thinking so. Two women scolded me this morning because I was unwilling to put both my dog and myself into the path of a sprinkler so they could continue discussing Game Of Thrones side by side. 

4. I live relatively close to a Natural Foods Co-Op in my city and I go there frequently for groceries (although now that Amazon Prime Now delivers groceries for $5 I'm pretty sure I'm done with that life) and man, there is nothing worse. I love kids. I really do. But something about the grocery store, and specifically, this Co-Op and perhaps the parenting styles that happen there are just kind of the worst because it all feels like a performance. Recently, I saw a kid crying because he wanted a package of hot dogs because he loves hot dogs (I FEEL U KID) and his mom threw them in her cart until she saw another mom smirk at her and then REMOVED THEM and started loudly saying, "Moonstone, I will buy you hot dogs but remember WE ONLY EAT THE ORGANIC KIND!" This poor child cried and cried as he watched his mother remove the hot dogs and choose some different ones. Never have I ever wanted to kidnap a child to take them on a joyride to McDonald's as badly as I did in that moment.

Yesterday, I was at this grocery store when a child approached me with drumsticks. Not the kind from a chicken, but the kind you use to hit a drum. He started by smacking the metal containers housing produce and then started hitting the fruit and then, he hit me. It didn't hurt but I think we can all agree that you're not setting your kid up for success in life if you're letting them think that hitting strangers in the grocery store with drumsticks is an acceptable thing to do. I asked the kid to stop, nicely, and then he did it again, so I looked to the parent expectantly, sure that they would be embarrassed. Instead, the mom looked me right in the face and said, "Do not address my child, address me."

UM WHAT? I just can't. 

5. Am I the only one who gets in a seriously bad mood when they feel vulnerable? I wrote an essay that I was really proud of and submitted it for publication and BAM! I had to take to my bed and watch episodes of the L-Word and play Ballz on my phone until I felt like a human again because I suddenly doubted my ability to put words together and felt like surely I'd just bared my soul in the form of garbage writing and wanted to crawl into a shame spiral. The same thing happened after my open mic comedy set last night. I got laughs and good feedback but I was so GRUMPY about the whole thing afterwards. I never understood it when people talked about how performing or writing could be painful but the more I do it, the more I get it because DANG. 

6. A random list of things I have enjoyed this summer if you're looking for something to read or watch or listen to:

Touch by Courtney Maum is the best book I have read in a long time and made me think a lot about technology and interactions and love. Recommend. 

Lorde's new album, Melodrama, is exceptional which shouldn't surprise anyone.

Amy Turn Sharp continues to write poetry and posts on Instagram that take my breath away.

The StandUps on Netflix is great, specifically Fortune Feimster's episode.

Unless you live under a rock you've heard of My Favorite Murder, but co-host Karen Kilgariff has another podcast with comedian Chris Fairbanks called Do You Need A Ride? and it is the light of my life as both are funny as hell and the comedians they get are great. I am fully obsessed.

Fellow Sacramentans, if you're looking for good stuff to do, can I recommend Midtown's Cantina Alley for Mexican food and margaritas? Also, I cannot get enough Team Ride these days, just saying. 

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To be honest, this list was a lot more fun to compile than anything I've written recently, plus it puts my deep need to eavesrop to good use so stay tuned as this blog could take a hard turn into random vignette territory.